Creative Resolution Wellness Group

As a society, many of us are obsessed with the idea of time management.  We attend seminars, buy thousands of books, listen to webinars, hire life coaches and even go to therapy to learn the secret to getting more done in a day.

It is not time that needs to be managed; it’s us!  Time is consistent and reliable, but can we say the same about ourselves?  My suggestion to clients who are wanting to fit more into their day or trying to create that “extra” hour for themselves: don’t get another book or attend another seminar, get the B.A.L.L.S. to manage yourself!

Backwards thinking: Plan and Prioritize… Backwards.  Children do this naturally.  If you ask a child what they want to be when they grow up, they’ll say a fireman, teacher, astronaut, etc.  The steps necessary to obtain those goals do not overwhelm them; they reach for a goal feeling secure that they will obtain it.  Start each day visualizing your end goal in vivid detail, and then review how you did it!

All or nothing thinking: Change your vocabulary!  Get rid of the phrases “I must,” “I should,” and “I need to,” and replace them with “I can,” “I will,” and “I get to.”  I usually don’t hear clients say, “Jeez, I have to take another vacation.”  They typically state that they get to take another vacation.  Is it possible that if we change the way we view our daily tasks in our work and personal lives, we may not procrastinate?

Learn to question yourself.  Feel free to ask yourself the following questions before taking on any task: “Is this supporting me in my goal?” and “Am I doing this task in excellence?” Are you completing your tasks in a way that you would expect from others?  If so, great!  If not, why not?  Is “liking” a status on Facebook really supporting your goal, or is it an easy way to avoid your goal but still allow you to feel busy in your day?

Let loose and play!  If your life is all work, or you find yourself cancelling activities that bring you joy and freedom in order to get more work done, then STOP!  You deserve to have some fun.  Get away from work, if even for 5 minutes, and play or daydream.  It will actually make your day more productive.

Say NO!  There is power in the word NO.  If a two year old can say it effectively, so can you.  Learning to say no is a powerful and freeing experience for you and can actually increase the self esteem of others.  If you say no, you then delegate to others.

So the next time you find yourself wishing there were more hours in a day, maybe the better question is, “Am I using the hours in my day effectively?”  Before we can manage time, we must first learn to manage ourselves.

As the holidays approach, like many of us, I begin to think of family.  Not just my own family, but all the families I have impacted over the years.  I am going into my 16^th year of supporting families through the good times: premarital, family, child and adolescent, marriage revitalization counseling, and the not so good times: divorce, family violence, parent coordination and grief counseling.

One thing remains constant through the years; we are drawn to family.  Like them, love them, or hate them, we all want them.  What has changed over the years is how we create and recreate our definition of family over time.  Today there are two-parent, single parent, blended, extended, same sex, foster and adopted families.

I have recently added adoption work to my practice and have truly fallen in love with working with these families and their children.  I find these families particularly fascinating because of all the differences they overlook in order to be a family.  When I meet with the family who is looking to adopt, they are so eager to have a baby that when I ask them what gender they would like, they reply, “I don’t care, I just want a healthy baby.”  When I ask them about race, the reply is the same.

I find these adopting parents to be almost childlike in the sense that as we grow and mature we learn to distinguish race and gender, but as young children we just see people.  This point was really driven home for me recently at my brother’s wedding.  There was a couple who had four young children; three were natural to them, and they had also adopted a little boy.  My son mentioned to me that the boy and his sister were the same age but weren’t twins.  “How could that be?” he asked.  Absolutely in love with his innocence, I said that the little boy was adopted.  My son asked, “How do you know?”  It was my turn to ask, “Miles, didn’t you notice that he is black and his other family members are white?” He looked at me and said “Nope!”  He is a reflection of the adopting parents with whom I’ve had the pleasure of working; they want an addition to their family, and they just see a baby.

I have also had the pleasure of working with the women who make adoption possible, the birth mothers.  Many of us have an image of a young teenage girl who becomes pregnant and places her baby up for adoption because she is too young or has plans for college and is unable to care for a baby.  For as many young girls as I work with, I also work with women who are in their thirties and forties who also find themselves pregnant and scared.  No matter their age, religion or background, they all say to me that they know they are not ready to be mothers, but also know that they are able to give the gift of life to another woman.

The meeting of birth mother and adoptive family is almost always an emotional one.  Some people see this as the baby passing from one family to another, but I see it as two families joined by a very powerful bond.

As time passes, the families keep in touch or they don’t, but one thing remains the same; they are grateful for their family.

So as the holidays approach, whether we are excited to see our family or dread the experience, take a moment and be grateful you have people in your life you can call family.

When I suggest journaling to my clients, the first image that comes to mind for them is a young girl writing her woes to her diary and her younger brother always seeking the diary to read his sister’s secrets.  Although many people have the idea that a journal is for a child, or place to record negative life events, it’s actually a useful tool to support adults in achieving positive results in their life.

I received my first journal for Christmas when I was in 4^th grade.  I remember starting the moment I opened the book, and I have been a huge promoter of journaling ever since.  I saw it as an opportunity to write down whatever thoughts came to mind and keep track of all my “secrets”.  Over the years, my journal has transformed from the goings on of a young girl, to adolescent angst, to pondering my life’s goals as a young adult.  It is now a place for creating my life’s visions, daydreaming in writing, storing my frustrations, and setting the tone for my day.

I suggest that all of my clients keep a journal no matter their age or gender.  Many clients complain that they have so much going in their life that they are unable to sleep at night because their thoughts keep them awake.  Journaling allows you to take your thoughts and “put them in a safe place” where you can get to them later.  It is interesting that the brain feels that you have done something productive with your thoughts and then allows you to turn them off so that you are able to sleep.  Clients ask if they should actually write or if typing works just as well. Writing works better for me because I already spend enough time on the computer, and I don’t find journaling on my laptop as relaxing or rewarding as writing.  I also suggest to clients that they pick out a book that they find appealing and easy to carry with them.  Sometimes when I am stuck waiting for an appointment or when I arrive early to an appointment, I take that opportunity to write.

So, wondering what to write about?  Think that your thoughts are not interesting enough to put on paper?  Here are some journaling tips I share with my clients…

• Keep track of what you are grateful for.  Start your day reminding yourself of what you already have in your life and appreciate it.
• Record life events and milestones.
• Feeling frustrated with someone in your life but don’t want to lash out at him or her?  Write about it.
• Making a decision regarding a change in your life.
• Put your goals in writing.
• Feeling fearful? Journaling allows you to write through your fear and explore why you are fearful.

Many clients find it fascinating to go back and read their previous entries to see the journey they have taken. Journaling allows you to explore your emotions, your goals, your relationships, and your dreams. It also allows you to see your inner growth over time.  So grab a notebook that inspires you and begin the most important story ever written, yours!

Stress is a very popular topic these days; it’s everywhere. You see warnings all over the news, hear it from your doctor, and are bombarded by advertisements for products and practices that claim to alleviate stress.
Although it’s getting a lot of press these days, stress has been a very popular topic for many years, generations, even. I believe that people have been concerned with the amount of stress in their lives even before we had information on the effects it has on us and ways to manage it.
So what is stress exactly? As defined by your average dictionary, stress is a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or demanding circumstances.
I have an easier definition. Stress is change. Any change that one must adapt to, ranging from actual physical danger, to falling in love, to achieving success involves stress.
Stress is all about how we react to experiences. I believe that 10% of stress is what is actually happening around us, and 90% how we interpret the event. We see examples of this all the time. How is it that two people experience a similar event, yet it strongly affects one person physically and emotionally but doesn’t seem to have any impact on the other individual? Some people may say the one who doesn’t experience the stress is in denial, or is unaware of his surroundings; however, that person may just be better able to place things in perspective. Our perspective comes from our experiences in life, information we receive as a child and how we view ourselves.
So where does our stress come from exactly? Four sources:
• Environmental
• Social
• Physiological
• Internal
Environmental stressors are those that surround us such as noise, weather and traffic. Weather is one of my favorites. I am uncertain why people stress over things which they have no control over. Take hurricanes, for example. It is very easy to pick out people who are not native to a state where hurricanes are the norm. Five days before a storm is expected to hit, and the grocery store is packed. I don’t even need to see a weather report to know that a storm is brewing. It entertains me to peek in their carts to see their purchases. One woman had 4 gallons of milk; I guess she didn’t realize she probably wouldn’t have electricity to run her refrigerator.
Clients are often confused why they are so stressed when they are expecting a happy, social event such as a wedding, promotion, buying a home or having a baby. Any change in our environment can create stress. Positive stress has the same effect on us physically and emotionally as negative stress.
Ever notice how you feel down if you have a cold or an injury? Illness and injuries are physiological stressors. Clients who are awaiting a surgery will often times feel more stress as they are waiting to have the surgery because they know it may impede their usual daily activities. We sometimes feel anxious if we start to experience the first signs of a cold; some individuals even begin to stress just upon hearing the words “flu season.”
Internal stress is how we view our ability to control our situations and the impact an event will have on us. Some individuals have a more internal locus of control and see themselves as more in control; others have an external locus of control and see their environment as greater than they are.
How damaging is stress? Will it really kill us? Some say absolutely, and others say no. I say, why sit around and wait to find out? There must be a way to manage it… that’s right, manage it — not get rid of it. Why not get rid of stress? Because if we got rid of stress altogether, there would be no drive to accomplish things. Some stress is good because it pushes us to accomplish our goals.
What are the effects of stress?
• Anger
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Immune System Disturbances
• Digestive Disorders
• Physical Tension
• Increased Blood Pressure and Cholesterol
So what’s the number one piece of advice given to us when we are feeling stressed? “Take a deep breath and relax.” If you are experiencing any of the above symptoms, you know it’s almost impossible to physically draw a deep breath.
So aside from the usual, albeit good advice, such as working out, eating right, sleeping 8 hours and surrounding ourselves with good friends and family, what else can we do to manage stress?
Reframe it!
Stress is actually feedback. The same way pain is physical feedback to stop us from what we are doing, stress is mental feedback telling us that something needs to change. If we are experiencing physical or emotional signs of stress, it is an opportunity to take a moment and assess where we need change in our lives. Maybe stress in our relationships means we need to end the relationship or take time away with each other. Stress on the job could mean that we are bored with our career or we are on the verge of taking our career to the next level. If we take a moment to ask ourselves what our stress, mind or body, is telling us, we may find the answer to managing our stress and create extraordinary results!

As a young child, do you remember hearing about all those futuristic technologies that were supposed to be made available to us when we were adults?  People wished for flying cars and robot maids.  There was once a time when people dreamt about having a phone that they could take with them in the car.  Movies of the time portrayed people being able to see the person they were talking to, live on a video screen.  There was a time when we spoke of having computers that would make life easier, create more free time in our lives, and improve our businesses…

All of these devices (except the flying cars and robot maids) are now readily available to us.  We can communicate with anyone, from anywhere, at any time.  Our computers make us more productive and help us share our ideas easily and instantaneously. We can share information via voice, text, or even video.  In fact, my husband and I were out running errands recently when we received a video call from our seven-year-old son, who was visiting his grandparents in California.  He was on the beach in Del Mar and was calling from his grandfather’s cell phone.  Amazing, this technology, right?

Despite its obvious benefits, many of my clients now come to me saying that they dream of a time when they can turn their phones and computers off and escape for a bit.  In fact, one of my clients actually put her phone in the microwave, just to have an “excuse” not to answer the constant incoming calls and emails.

With so much powerful technology at our fingertips, comes a great responsibility.

We now have access to technology 24/7; we can check our email at any given time, catch up with friends on Facebook while making dinner, and text those last important notes to a colleague or client whenever they come to mind.  We don’t have to wait for the next business day to continue working, and our friends are always only as far as the keyboard of our laptop or cell phone.

While technology allows us to be more successful in business, it may be costing us time with our families and connecting with our friends in person.  When was the last time you sat together as a family at dinner with your cell phones and iPads turned off?  Do you find yourself texting your friends instead of meeting face to face?

If we are not responsible and take the time away from work to take care of ourselves, this gift of technology might even be affecting our health.  Are you working so much that you don’t take the time for a walk in your neighborhood or that session at the gym?  Are you not sleeping as well or as much as you should be?

Do you ever turn off?

Consider the message we are giving our children as we text text away while they try to distract us.  Is a handheld device more important than a conversation with them?

What are your office hours?  When do you really close your office doors?  Powering down can actually support us in recharging our batteries.  Many clients that I have worked with came into session complaining about their careers, but after some conversation, many discover it’s not their career they hate, but more the hours they put into the career.  Not taking off our work hat can cause us to feel resentment, depression, anxiety, and exhaustion.

So, some tips for powering down?

1. Follow the media diet plan that you have in place for your child.
2. Set office hours that are realistic and stick with them.
3. Leave your phone, iPad, laptop, etc. in another room as you spend time with your friends and family.
4. Set up times to check your email and text messages and limit the time you will spend responding.
5. Ask yourself if that email or text message is really more important than the activity you were about to engage in.
6. Set up an auto email response system that tells clients or colleagues when you available to return messages.
7. When in doubt, act like a child… yep, get out there and play. Research shows that adults who play are happier, less stressed and are in better health than adults who don’t.  If you’re a parent, this teaches your children that even adults can play, that they are important for you spend time with, and it’s definitely okay to be silly.

So the next time you’re sitting at your desk dreaming of a future where you can spend more time with family and friends, remember that powering down empowers you to make that daydream a present reality.

According to a report by the Surgeon General in 1999, 13% of children aged 6 to 11 years and 14% of adolescents aged 12 to 19 years were overweight. What is most concerning for our society is that those numbers continue to rise.

What is most concerning for parents is the effect these numbers are having on the emotional wellbeing of our children. So, what causes so many of today’s kids to be overweight? Most parents are familiar with causes such as kids living a more sedentary lifestyle and eating unhealthy meals at popular drive-thrus. Most kids are watching more than 2 hours of television every day and video games have replaced much of the outdoor play. Parents are working longer hours and it has become much more convenient to go through a drive-thru than to cook. What many parents do not realize is that their child may eat for comfort.

As many adults may have an after work cocktail to relax, children will eat for the same effect. Children and teens are very much aware of their weight and what is “acceptable” in our society and in their schools and what is not. Parents often ask me why their child doesn’t feel good about themselves, regardless of their weight; because parents are consistently reinforcing that they are loved and cared about at home. Parents reinforce to their child that it simply doesn’t matter what other children say. As good as these intentions are, they are going in one ear and out the other. Children and teens are far more concerned with being accepted by their peer groups and fitting in. If a child does not feel accepted by there peers, they may turn inward. Food never criticizes, makes fun and is always available. Many children will eat until they are more than full, so feel comforted on the inside.

So what can parents do? First take an inventory of your views on food. Do you eat for comfort? Do you offer food as rewards, restrict too many foods or offer food as comfort to your child? Do you catch yourself criticizing yourself, others or your child for being overweight? Parents know one of the greatest teaching tools they have is their ability to role model. Sometimes making simple changes in our interactions with our children have the most profound effects. Making dinner time an opportunity to talk about the day, without listening to the blare of the TV or answering that all important telephone call or text message. Encouraging your child to spend more time outdoors and put the family on a TV diet. Log on to find recipe make-overs.

How can Creative Resolution Group help your child or teen? We specialize in getting to the root of the issue. We offer a holistic approach to counseling in order to assist your child in gaining a new perspective on food and clearing any issues that may be causing your child to feel “stuck”. We also work with the family to help promote healthier conversations and changing your family’s relationship with food.

We help your child or teen be happy, healthy and joyful!

Play Therapy

Play therapy is widely misunderstood by parents and the general public. Parents often have a difficult understanding the purpose of play in therapy and the benefits for their children. Parents often ask me “Why should I bring my child to therapy if the therapist is simply going to play games with them?” My response to these parents is “Because play is to a child what verbal disclosure is to an adult.” Children do not posses the verbal skills of an adult and therefore are not able to engage in traditional psychotherapeutic techniques. Children tend to feel more relaxed and free to express themselves in their own style.

Play therapy involves much more than playing games. Trained therapists utilize many play therapy tools such as a sand tray, doll houses, dolls, action figures and coloring. If you have ever observed your child playing you will notice that they take on different roles in their play, draw what they might be thinking and act out many of their feelings. In example, after 9/11 many teachers noticed that preschool children were acting out their parents’ fears and even some of the news footage they witnessed on TV. When parents are going through a divorce, young children will demonstrate their own fears or sometimes relief with their dolls, action figures or even other children they play with.

I worked with a group of children who had witnessed domestic violence in their family. One child, age 7, was so traumatized that he was a select mute. I saw him for a 12 week group and never once heard his voice. However, given the opportunity to draw, he would create very vivid pictures of family violence. This technique worked well for him and he actually told me “bye” at the end of his group.

I find that play therapy works well for children ages 3 and up. Some therapist may specialize in working with younger children.

I encourage all parents to spend time playing with their children. Not only will it give you quality time with them, but may also open the lines of communication in a new way for you both.

Many of us are familiar with traditional modes of therapy;  making the appointment, driving to the appointment, sitting on the therapist’s couch for the 50 minute hour week after week.  If times have changed, how come therapists have not changed with the times to meet the needs of today’s client?

How about if you could do therapy from your couch, or your car, or your desk?  Many clients and other clinicians are often surprised to find out that I offer these services to my clients.

My belief is that therapy should help alleviate stress not create more.  We already have enough appointments to drive ourselves or our kids to and it’s not always possible to add one more for that week.

At Creative Resolution Wellness Group we offer phone sessions, text sessions and Skype sessions for our clients.  Whether you have just a quick question or need an entire session, our therapists are available to assist you.  Phone sessions allow our clients to have their session on the way to work or on the way home either before or after regular business hours.  Many of our clients find this extremely helpful when they travel for business or if they have to move and do not want to create a new relationship with a new therapist.

Teenagers are extremely receptive to text sessions.  Teens are often hesitant to ask some questions in person, but feel more comfortable to do so via text.  They also have quicker access to their therapist and will not have to wait until next week’s session when the situation has already passed.Parents please note that our therapist will not respond to your teen’s text during school hours as we want your teen to focus on their classes.

Clients who prefer to come to our office may also schedule longer sessions.  Clients tend to feel that they are “just getting into the session” when the hour is over, so we offer longer sessions for clients who request more time. Please check back next week for more information on scheduling marathon sessions.

At Creative Resolution Wellness Group we work with Today’s Client.

Parents often ask me “How do I know if my child needs counseling?” My response to them is usually “Most children would benefit from having an impartial person to speak to in their lives.” Children want to protect their parent’s feelings and usually will not share what is upsetting to them, especially if it involves family issues. You as the parent are the best judge of your child’s behavior. Parents often bring their child in when they notice changes in their child’s personality or behaviors.

For example, a mother brought her 7 year old son in to meet with me when he suddenly refused to go to school. He became sullen at the mention of school and would often burst into tears as she was dropping him off for class. The child disclosed in session that he was too embarrassed to tell anyone that he was being bullied by older kids in the school. He did not want to worry his mother because he felt she was going through enough stress of her own.

A family came in when they thought that their 16 year old daughter was “hiding” something from them. They were right; she had been going through depression and was using prescription drugs to “deal with it.”

The parents of a 10 year child brought him to counseling at the recommendation of their pediatrician because their son had gained significant weight. He disclosed to his therapist that his parents were fighting at home and there was a great amount of tension in the house. He was eating to cope with his sadness.

Times when counseling is obvious are; we are going through a divorce, a new marriage, a death in the family or if there is a history of family violence or drug/alcohol addiction. These life stressors have an impact on your child, however parents may not recognize this if the child is quiet, does not show signs of acting out, continues to state that they are “fine”. It is often easier for parents emotionally to believe that their children are handling these situations well.

Signs that your child would benefit from counseling:

• Change in appetite, eating more or less than normal
• Change in sleep patterns, nightmares, sleeping more or less than normal
• Bed wetting or soiling pants once completely potty trained
• Drop in school grades
• Dramatic change in friends or decreased interest in friends
• Talk of suicide or fascination with death
• Cuts or burn marks on the skin
• Withdrawn
• Acting out
• Fits of crying or anger

It is imperative as parents that we be proactive in our child’s health. We don’t hesitate to take our child to their pediatrician when we notice that that cough has gone on for too long or they have a high fever. Why wait when we notice such changes to their personality? Being proactive shortens the therapeutic process and lessens the trauma for the child.

The therapists at Creative Resolution Group are available to help your family through its many life transitions. We have expertise in working with young children utilizing play therapy techniques, sand tray, and clinical hypnosis. Our therapists work with adolescents in individual or group sessions for anger management, self-esteem, substance use and everyday stressors.

Counseling for children is typically short term. Once the child has developed a relationship with their therapist, they usually feel comfortable returning when other life transitions come up.